The Throne

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Whoa Nelly
		10:48pm 21/09/2007
	Cleaned! Yeah. not so much though. almost a month and still not in order... fack.
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and so on

09:29pm 16/09/2007

music: Queen

Clipped fragments of toenails fall like angry little snowflakes in the winter of my filth.
Will I pick them up?
Hell no.
Maybe someday... in a week or so. I've got a lot on my plate.
I've got an Opera to edit, a house to arrange, work, and school.
And yet I'm sitting here, aching. I haven't felt like doing much of anything today on account of the pain.
The Sun tried to work out some of the knots but, alas, it's impossible.
I had more fun last night than I've had in, probably, more than a year. I spent the evening in the company of some good solid rock n roll... and the ashleybrittanys. I'd missed them. And to that note.
Damn things have changed since I used to write here. I don't think LiveJournal even knows of The Sun.

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		12:29am 15/09/2007
	I don't suppose that I'll keep up with this, but here I am again, for the first time since, awhile ago. It seems that a few people are still on here so I wanted to at least make an appearance and say I'm still alive. A lot has changed though. I'm a real person now. Sad to say in a way. I've got myself a real live girlfriend... and to those of you who knew me when I write in here last, that should come as quite a surprise. In any case. Give me a call.
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		09:31pm 02/02/2005
	freedom... heh. im listening to the stste of the union address...he just said "freedom in iraq will make america safer for years to come" ... ah screw it, im not going to get into this... ask me if you want to argue... ive got plenty to throw at you. speaking of throwing... these past few nights ive been extraordinarily pissed off... not exactly for any specific reason... i think its because of my health, which im convinced of late is not good... everyday i wake up with either horrible heart burn or a terrible cold sweat... and i go to sleep madder than... yeah... so ive got to start eating better... but the other night i was drinking orange juice and the glass felt so heavy in my hand... i just wanted to throw it against the wall... but oh well... whatever as for the "x" thing that everyone has been calling it [heh] im not going to waste time but ill just say i probably havent done most of it. yay, go you, now you know. here, more specific. ive stolen a lot, i havent done any drugs and ive never had sex... im sure those are the main areas, they always are. okay... i hate livejournal... why the hell did i ever start again
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		01:14pm 30/01/2005
	oh, hey, just for everyone to be made aware... i changed my screenname last night... i am now going by [ RittervonTraum ] so everyone can do that whole thing and away we go.
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here's jonny!
		12:39pm 30/01/2005
	shall i begin again? i finally got around to restarting my signed in status... id been too lazy to go through that process for awhile, but now im in again... so perhaps itll all be a fun time ish ness... god i used to update this thing three times a day.
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		11:16pm 04/11/2003
	here was a kid who knew right from the get-go what he wanted, and how to get it. he knew that, if left to his own resources and devices, he would come out on top. with everytning he had wisehd to accomplish under his belt. but no one took him sereously, they all thought it was a typical teenage phaze type thing. he thought up crazy ideas, far fetched to the point that it could only happen in a movie. and so what did they all do? they tried to convince him he couldnt do it, tried to make him change. he never met their requirements and forever told them it was because he couldnt do it. they never once stopped to think that perhaps he knew best. and in the end, he disowned every ounce of his old life, the life which had tried to smother his spark and throw him into the pile of smouldering excess of the world. but he knew better, he disappeared into thin air, off the radar. and in the end, he came out on top.
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		04:28pm 16/10/2003
	hah, i hate der internet
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		08:59pm 10/10/2003
	mmm, feels like forever... 6 days since my last update and it feels like forever... thats a sad statement. well schools doing a lot better this year than it did last year... my lowest grade as of right now is a 79 which is AP Bio... that class is great, but very hard... its sad that it has to be the way it is: memorizing for the test... but thats the point of the class by definition... id prefer to learn the stuff more in depth, but oh well. ill do my best there. video rocks my socks off... sereously... i cant find any of my nice newish socks... all i have in my drawers are the really old socks that are all streched out from being worn so much... whered my socks go? LJ is going away in my head... it used to run my life... now, i dont even want to get on much any more... online is the same way... ive got better things to do now: like all the same old stuff that used to be less important. no girl in my life, or mind. none, at all. thats a change i like it. im getting ready to leave.
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		06:35am 04/10/2003
	its 6:34 am the house is dark and everyones asleep i woke up because my head is getting ready for school, it hasnt figured the weekends into the equation yet. the only two people on my buddy list without away messages are my two screennames. i like this environment. everything is so calm, its almost obcene, like you feel bad being a part of it, because you know you should be asleep. i would have just laid in bed and tried to get back to sleep, but i figured i would come down here instead. for whatever reasons. i feel completely awake but my eyes are hard to keep open, not that heavy feeling, just kindof dry. i went to sleep at 7:10 pm, cant remember why, i set my alarm to wake me at 8;30 pm, i guess it never went off because i checked it when i woke up and it was still set for 8:30 pm. so i turned it off and came downstairs. i need to get my stuff out of keira's house. i need to finish reading the scarlet letter. i need to write a log for the scarlet letter that im supposed to have been writing all along. i have to do something for world cultures, cant remember what. i have to get better at running. its starting to get light outside. its 6:53. its getting light very quickly. too bad i cant see the sun rise through the trees here. i once watched it when i was in georgia. it was a few years ago now. i left the hotel and walked to the beach, it was completely empty, i sat down on a dune and watched as the sky turned colors and eventually the sun came out. it was nice. im going to have a bowl of ice cream and then back to bed. goodnight.
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my journal is all in german
		05:57pm 02/10/2003
	well, heh, today... im sorry... but it irritated me. i know its hypocratic to say so but sometimes i really cant stand her. which is sad because she is the kind of person no one ever gets mad at. and im the kind of person who never gets mad. so what the aardvark is up!?! see... why dont i get mad at you? ill tell you why... because you dont care about me enough to tell me stuff... yeah, and i care too much about my views to tell you to do anything. well, she could care less about me, all she cares about are her views... which include "saveing" everyones souls or something... freaking... grrr... i dont care if you're religious, but dont tell me i cant do something... i was wearing this shirt i got out of a garbage can... she refused to let me back into the building because, in her exact words, "bellefonte is not made up of people like that." now what im wondering is what the aardvark she thinks shes talking about... i would wear that shirt so do i not live in bellefonte? or does she mean "shouldnt" in which shes pushing her views on me... let me get something straight... i dont care what you do or think... except for one thing... my beliefs are that the one sin you can commit is to force something about you upon someone else, that means physical force or mental enforcement... thats it... if you're doing something i think is stupid. i wont condone it... i might occasionally even state that i think its stupid... but im not going to tell you to stop... im certainly not going to tell you i wont let you in from the cold unless you take off some article of clothing i dont approve of you wearing... what in the world is religious about that? in a dramatized sense that mindset translates out to something like, "so you suffered a long and painful death, well at least now you wont corrupt us all with that ripped shirt" this is not the first time shes done things... as rational as you may think she is... she acts before she thinks, she'd sentence someone to death before hearing the evidence in their favor. when she told me that today, i smiled and took off the shirt and placed it back beside the trash can. and then came inside. tell me, who is wrong here?
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mmm, my journal is still in german
		07:14pm 26/09/2003
	well, in LIT class we're reading The Scarlet Letter, whic is an amazingly good book... nathaniel hawthorne had a pretty freaking good view on the ways people work... gotta respect that... heres some quotes i love: "Like all that pertains to crime, it seemed never to have known a youthful era." [chapter one] "Crime s for the iron-nerved, who have their choice either to endure it, or, if it press too heard, to exert their fierce and savage strength for a good purpose, and fling it off at once! This feeble and most sensitive of spirits could do neither, yet continually did one thing or another, which intertwined, in the same inextricable knot, the agony of heaven-defying guilt and vain repentance." [chapter twelve] "It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates. Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility." [chapter thirteen] "She never battled with the public, but submitted uncomplainingly to its worst usage; she made no claim upon it in requital for what she suffered; she did not weigh upon its sympathies. Then, also, the blameless purity of her life during all these years in which she had been set apart to infamy was reckoned largely in her favor." [chapter thirteen] "With nothing now to lose in the sight of mankind, and with no hope, and seemingly no wish, of gaining anything, it could only be a genuine regard for virtue that had brought back the poor wanderer to its paths." [chapter thirteen] now, those are my favorites... and only ones that do not contain specific referances to the book itself... so, seeing as how they are short, id strongly encourage you to read them. i mean come on... im reading the whole book. on the same note, LIT class... knoff was disappointed that i didnt have my homework handed in, she basically told me to drop the class, again. so then at the end of class i had a talk with her, i told her my situation, i think she better understands now which iim glad of, i dont want anyone to be offended by an action i did not intend to act. but anyway she told me during that conversation that she thought i was "extremely intellegent" how she could come up with that from what shes seen of me i can only wonder, perhaps it is that guidance councelor personae [you have to score better than average, which i know all of you can do]... see with that... average is the mid grounds of all the scores, if you all score better than the halfway point of all of your scores, well that just doesnt work. anyway, back to my story... i wonder if when she said that, if she knew that i already knew how the book would turn out, simply by knowing human nature... all my classmates still hate hester and cant handle society likeing her... when i knew from the beginning... thanks Freud Gute Nacht zu Sie!
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hehe, i set my LJ to appear in german on my screen
		05:07pm 23/09/2003
	well school was a bad time... man, W.C. is going to be unfun for this whole year i feel. but then it was over and then i went to Fen's house and got all happy again... [Fen, you have my jacket!] Varra was being cool cat again as always when i got there. Fen got new boots, heh, shes not afgraid to wear Death anymore i guess... hehehe, "but they were really cool and on sale..." hehehe, i love my Fen. then off to look for Jess and Gurt... who were not to be found... so i walked up the road and sat on the curb and watched this wolfspider cross the road... those guys just dont give up... until of course they get run over... then i walk almost the whole way there and Feldman picks me up. i get there and find out theyve been there at the park for over an hour... but today... somethings different... who knows what... people show up, la dee da, this and that, yadda yadda yadda, girls run, amy wins, guys run, i PR, its all done. it was fun... i guess im just going crazy right now so it doesnt feel like it was... Gute Nacht und guten Tage
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		08:15pm 22/09/2003
	mmm, well, i knew i liked her, but after filming today at the spaghetti dinner i realized i like her a lot more than id thought... heh to dramatize it a way lot ill sya this: IM IN LOVE WITH A SADIST
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		09:46pm 21/09/2003
	i need 2500 for a car i like... i dont even know what it is but its really cool and i know the person whose selling it so um, does anyone want to donate me some money... ive got 700 some in the bank right now and thats all the checks ive ever gotten for birthdays and christmas and stuff plus every dollar ive earned working at the cafe... i guess youd call it my life saveings... well... as long as i have 888 dollars on june 10th ill be happy... vehicle or none... i got an eric clapton cd as a doorprize from the invitational yesterday and ive been listening to it like nonstop since... eric clapton is like... awesome... there is truth behind his desperation... everyone who knows anything about him knows the story about his son... and thats kind of the story of his life [im generalizing of course] so when i listen to him say something... i can believe it. somehow i feel my perception changeing these days... seems everyone is saying "woe is me" and i feel myself haveing animosity for those i feel as more fortunate than myself... and i feel as though i can relate to those who i feel have a right to be saying it... and as i feel this in myself i hate it... because i know that there is nothing more hipocratic than that... nothing. but anyway, i cant help my feelings. there is this one song that eric clapton wrote... that has a chorus which when i read the lyrics i was amazed... it lifted a burden somehow. as independant as i say i am... i still look to music and poetry to justify my feelings... neverbefore had i found something to justify my cold feeling... heh, its a strange feeling really, perhaps some sort of a "survivor type" feeling... i know that no matter what happened in my life... like when my dog died... my best friend... the dog who was the same age as me and we had grown up together... the one that i would go and lay beside in the hallway at night... when she died... it was like she just wasnt around anymore... not that i didnt care but it didnt affect me... i didnt cry, my schoolwork didnt suffer, i didnt stop eating, i didnt start yelling at my parents... i didnt do anything different than when she was there and still alive... and that same thing holds... whatever happens im just kind of stagnant emotionally [one reason ill never be successful in a relationship]... but never before had i found something to justify that feeling, nothing to make it make sense, so way to put it into words... until yesterday i found this great song from my free cd.. it is this: "look in the mirror, even with a broken heart im fine keep on pushing, getting closer to peace of mind look in the mirror, even with a broken heart im fine liveing is so sweet, now with superman inside" that last line is the killer... because when i close my eyes, and ive told most of you on several occasions... when i close my eyes, im a hero, i can defy gravity and i can run 100 miles an hour and i can stop time and i cant be killed and i dont feel pain and i can rip doors off of wrecked cars and i can throw busses 100s of feet... i can do anything. and when you see that everytime you close your eyes... well, you never want to open them again, because its just so disappointing
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		08:28pm 19/09/2003
	well i slept in the basement last night... my mom was convinced our house was going to colapse so i slept down there to make her happy... that was the most uncomfortable thing ive done in a long time... id rather have been blown away in a hurricane named isabelle than slept down there. but anyway we didnt have school so i can thank isabelle for that... um... so i woke up at 15 and found out that we were leaving at 16:30 to go to Hoss's for my sisters birtday diner thing... so i got a shower and got dressed and all that and la dee da... and then we went to the font and i cashed my pay check... i now have 759 dollars in my saveings account... go me. now i work 6 hours a week pretty much at 5.15 an hour... so ill be makeing about 20 bucks a week from here on out... so eventually ill have enough for something... i used to know what i wanted... i still know what i used to want... but somehow being a superhero just feels like too much work now... "all my worldless dreams, murdered by reality." so much for fantasy, it seems its all just a good way to waste the time, and then keep liveing as you always have. but anyway, back to my story... so we cash my check and then we're off to Hoss's and we get there and theres my father and brother waiting outside so we go in and get seated and la dee da. and we're eating and i look up and there is Mrs. Feldman and shes looking down at a steep angle and saying something so i assume the kids are down behind the counter where i cant see them. then sure enough here comes my coach walking up to them from outside. they look at the menu and then order and as theyre being seated they see me and smile and wave and Mr Feldman comes and talks to us and says hi to my brother and la dee da. and that was cool, and matt and brain say hi, and thats cool and thats all really cool, and later i see hannah aboul-hosen [sp?] and i say hi and la dee da and i think Hoss's is turning out to be pretty weird... i mean... PV girl from altoona, Feldman, and Hannah. all at Hoss's... so thats all really cool i find out i can get my bro to print me some maps of places i want... so that prettys cool and everything. tomorow is the Altoona Invitational. Free Food Free Stuff Friends [of the XC nature] Lots and Lots and Lots of Mud! [courtesy of Isabelle] on the ride home from Hoss's... i noticed that golf course across from the nittany lion inn... it was dusk and it looked so nice... with the trees scattered around... i just wanted so badly to have a land like that... just grass with scattedered trees everywhere for miles and miles and have a bunch of friends and go and get lost in it because it looked all the same... i just wanted to run full speed and go in circles... i wanted so badly to just be free from my directional sense that always seems to knwo where to go.. i just wanted to be somewhere new... someplace unfamiliar... because when your somewhere you dont know... the world feels so much bigger... possibilities feel so much more accomplishable... when you know a place like the back of your hand... you know where you are and you know where your going and you know =how to get there... you know that if you turn at this spot, you'll see this, and if you turn at that spot you'll see that... but if you are someplace new and unfamiliar... you can make a wrong turna nd see something new... and you can come to a fork in the road and think to yourself "ill probably never see this place again... which way i choose could change my life, id better choose wisely" and even though you may find that soon enough you come through that fork everyday to get to work... but its so much more poetic an existence when things are new... i need some of that in my life... i need poetry... not the words on the paper, thats the result, thats only the closest wya the author could communicate the feeling... i need the feeling... the inspiration... my life is becoming so mundane... i run the streets of the font everyday... i know every little detail of the town... i know the little nooks and crannies... its really a very nice town... but i cant appreciate it... because i know it so well... i know that if i stand here it is only so far that way to the end... and if i stand here its only so far to the other end... i need to find a new town where i dont know that... where i havent yet seen through its facade into its unrefined finish... i need more gloss... i im going insane.
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SEPTEMBER 17
		10:51pm 17/09/2003
	HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MISTY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUZIE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER is it just me or is this one jam packed day? heh, my sisters and misty's was already tons of people. but now i find out its Suzie's too! thats awesome! i have the same birthday as steak's sister, but thats second place... i dont know anyother day with more than one person... everyone should tell me their birthdays so i can write it all down. Happy Birthday!
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		09:31pm 16/09/2003
	heh, first off today rocked... im going out of chronological order because this is just aardvarking cool... see we [the XC team] went to Hoss's after the meet... and when we walked in the waitress at the other register thing struck my eye... something about her caught my attention... at first i thought that maybe she was just really pretty and that was it [because she is] and so i went on my merry little way... then she came past our table serving drinks or something and she stopped infront of me and said "dont you pole vault?" and i said "yes i certainly do" and immediatly knew who she was... shes the girlfriend of altoonas best PV'r who always sat there at the meets and watched him... and it wasnt like a conversation type thing though and she kept walking. then as i was leaving she was doing the register for paying and she said "know how i knew that?" and i said "yeah, i remembered you as soon as you said that" and she smiled, and it was cool... i never though she was really looking or paying attention to anyone but him but i guess shes just as human as the rest of us, takeing in everything. and she didnt say anything to greg about it even though he PV's too but then again, he doesnt have the really distinctive trademark sideburns and he wasnt wearing a school uniform [which i was] so it all makes sense... it was just really aardvarking cool. but yeah... while we were at Hoss's i had like the best time of my aardvarking life... i was sitting beside steph and me and her were haveing stareing contests with each other and the sun and everything and then we built a huge straw bridge that arced from her cup to mine and we decorated it and we just did all this stuff and it was just so cool and oh man... it was great and i wasnt at all like i had been the last time id been in that restaurant... at which point i was very quiet and trying to think of something to say the whole time because well you know, certain persons in attendance were takeing up all of my attention and kidof fogging up my mind... which i think im getting over, slowly. the race was at holidaysburg which is just the coolest place in der Wilt. right up a mountain, 3.1 miles. slippery. vertical. you know... awesome... oh ind its in the woods so you know how that is... its all eroded and theres exposed roots everywhere and in some places there are mud puddles deep enough to engulf your leg up to the shin unless you run fast enough to not let your foot sink in that far... but still, your feet weigh more and more as you go... because of the mud on them... i love it... its one big line... no loops, no over-agains nothing confusing... several backyards... a bunch of uncontroled traffic... but then again... Xc is specified as a contact sport... so what do you expect?
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